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Chrono-Onanator

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Episode 134: Upside Down @58:40
Elliott: What if there was a movie called Chronic Masturbator? It's about a guy — whenever he masturbates, he travels through time.
Dan: That's Chrono-Masturbator.
Elliott: Oh, I guess that would be it. Yeah.
Stuart: Chrono-Masturbator.
Elliott: It would be called Chrono-Ono... uh...
Dan: Chrono-Ono, Onanator?
Elliott: Yeah, Chrono-Onanator.
Elliott: They invent a — the government invents a device called the Chrono-Onitron. And it's a time machine powered by masturbation.
Dan: Now, when you go back in time, do not masturbate on a butterfly, whatever you do.
Elliott: You could change the course of sexual history! (There's your movie.)
Dan: What if I just masturbate to a butterfly?

That's fine, but not over a butterfly.

Elliott: Not over it. Do not masturbate over it. But if you're really
Stuart: That's a crazy thing to say. What are you saying?
Elliott: — if you're really turned on by that butterfly and you want to masturbate to it, then whip it out and go right ahead.
Hallie: No! Do it into a jar, and then seal the jar. And take it back with you to the future.
Elliott: Yeah, 'cause you don't want to leave it —
Stuart: Why would you take it? You could bury it.
Elliott: No! Don't bury it!
Stuart: Well, what if he buried it?
Elliott: What if it leaks? And suddenly there's a tree with your DNA in it!
Hallie: You've gotta take it with you.
Elliott: You could destroy the future!
Hallie: Although, if you take it... Are you going back in time, or are you going into the future?
Stuart: So Chrono-Onanator would have a giant jar of masturbation —
Hallie: Well, if you go back to the future, you'd — you'd get into the future and then you'd have a bunch of babies in your jar!
Elliott: No. That's not how it works. Sperm doesn't turn into babies over time.
Hallie: No, I'm pretty sure that's how that works.
Elliott: No, that's not exactly how it —
Hallie: Yeah, I know how it works.
Elliott: We're gonna have to have a talk after this.
Dan: So...
Elliott: So anyway. If anyone wants to buy the rights to Chrono-Onionator...
Stuart: He'd have to wear goggles, where the goggles are little timepieces. And every time he climaxes they spin backwards!
Elliott: And his eyes go cross-eyed, like in an '80s movie.
Stuart: Yeah. You can't see it, though, because there's clocks — don't worry about it.
Dan: So, um... Batman...
Elliott: We're being pulled back into the time rift! Masturbate harder!

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