- Episode 134: Upside Down @58:40
Elliott: What if there was a movie called Chronic Masturbator? It's about a guy — whenever he masturbates, he travels through time. Dan: That's Chrono-Masturbator. Elliott: Oh, I guess that would be it. Yeah. Stuart: Chrono-Masturbator. Elliott: It would be called Chrono-Ono... uh... Dan: Chrono-Ono, Onanator? Elliott: Yeah, Chrono-Onanator. Elliott: They invent a — the government invents a device called the Chrono-Onitron. And it's a time machine powered by masturbation. Dan: Now, when you go back in time, do not masturbate on a butterfly, whatever you do. Elliott: You could change the course of sexual history! (There's your movie.) Dan: What if I just masturbate to a butterfly?
That's fine, but not over a butterfly.
Elliott: Not over it. Do not masturbate over it. But if you're really — Stuart: That's a crazy thing to say. What are you saying? Elliott: — if you're really turned on by that butterfly and you want to masturbate to it, then whip it out and go right ahead. Hallie: No! Do it into a jar, and then seal the jar. And take it back with you to the future. Elliott: Yeah, 'cause you don't want to leave it — Stuart: Why would you take it? You could bury it. Elliott: No! Don't bury it! Stuart: Well, what if he buried it? Elliott: What if it leaks? And suddenly there's a tree with your DNA in it! Hallie: You've gotta take it with you. Elliott: You could destroy the future! Hallie: Although, if you take it... Are you going back in time, or are you going into the future? Stuart: So Chrono-Onanator would have a giant jar of masturbation — Hallie: Well, if you go back to the future, you'd — you'd get into the future and then you'd have a bunch of babies in your jar! Elliott: No. That's not how it works. Sperm doesn't turn into babies over time. Hallie: No, I'm pretty sure that's how that works. Elliott: No, that's not exactly how it — Hallie: Yeah, I know how it works. Elliott: We're gonna have to have a talk after this. Dan: So... Elliott: So anyway. If anyone wants to buy the rights to Chrono-Onionator... Stuart: He'd have to wear goggles, where the goggles are little timepieces. And every time he climaxes they spin backwards! Elliott: And his eyes go cross-eyed, like in an '80s movie. Stuart: Yeah. You can't see it, though, because there's clocks — don't worry about it. Dan: So, um... Batman... Elliott: We're being pulled back into the time rift! Masturbate harder!