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Episode 120: The Paperboy

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TagEdit

"In this episode, we chart the continued Nicolas Cagification of John Cusack with The Paperboy."

Website BlurbEdit

Oscar-nominee Lee Daniels does his best to destroy his post-Precious career with the Southern Gothic slop The Paperboy. Meanwhile, Elliott explores the world of pee-based teen magazines, Stuart debuts a new penis injury, and Dan is history's greatest monster.

Movie SummaryEdit

­The meaning of this whole movie is: don't go to the South... ever.
     —Elliott @38:05

PremiseEdit

StoryEdit

Science Corner: Urine can actually aggravate the jellyfish's stingers into releasing more venom. This cure is, indeed, fiction.[1]
  • Matthew McConaughey's family-friendly scrotum @20:20

Final JudgmentsEdit

  • Bad-Bad Movie (Elliott) @41:05
  • Bad-Bad Movie (Dan) @41:35
  • Bad-Bad Movie (Stuart) @42:20

Episode HighlightsEdit

TangentsEdit

Movie PitchesEdit

QuotesEdit

  • @17:05
Stuart: He looks like a Southern gator skinner.
Elliott: Oh yeah. And not at all like a kind of, like, formerly-alcoholic Ace Ventura impersonator. Like a guy who, hanging around Hollywood Boulevard pretending to be Ace Ventura so you take pictures with him, and then he goes and sleeps in a dumpster.
Stuart: What's he doing with all his money?
Elliott: "With all his..."? With his riches from posing as Ace Ventura on the street?
  • ­I kinda blacked out for a little bit there.
         —Elliott @22:50
  • ­At this point, like, I wanted to stop the movie and just scour off all of my skin, because I was never gonna feel clean again otherwise.
         —Elliott @24:45
  • ­He is not a smooth criminal, Dan. He looks like Randy fucking Quaid.
         —Stuart @40:15

Listener MailEdit

Mailbag SongEdit

@42:45

LettersEdit

"Jason Voorhees Question" from Alan Lastnamewithheld @43:25
Ernest Goes to Jail @46:50
"In Search of Mysterious Astral Alignments" from Daniel Lastnamewithheld @47:50
The Invisible Maniac, Castle Freak
Episode 15: D-War: Dragon Wars @49:00
Cthulhu @50:00
Head of the Family @50:10
"The Invisible Maniac Music Video" from Ryan Lastnamewithheld @51:15
He's Invisible!04:14

He's Invisible!

RecommendationsEdit

  • Black Snake Moan (2006) by Craig Brewer (Stuart) @55:00
  • Hustle & Flow (2005) by Craig Brewer (Stuart) @55:00
  • Indie Game: The Movie (2012) by Lisanne Pajot, James Swirsky (Dan) @56:55
  • The Life of Oharu (1952) by Kenji Mizoguchi (Elliott) @59:05
  • Star Wars (1977) by George Lucas (Elliott) @1:00:30
  • V/H/S (2012) by various (Stuart) @55:20

A Personal Note from DanEdit

@1:03:00
Dan: Before we sign off, I'd like to say, on a personal note...
Elliott: You're gay?
Dan: The outpouring of sympathy from fans after my ACL injury has just been, just been, astounding in its nonexistence. It's just been amazing...
Stuart: All the knee massages you haven't been offered...
Elliott: It was so hard to walk through the apartment for all the giant flower horseshoes that weren't there.
Dan: Yeah.
Elliott: Just pushing our way through all the condolence cards that weren't sent.
Dan: I'd like to thank Allison Abrams, who was literally the one person who contacted me on Twitter to say that she was sorry. You've won the ill-defined contest that did not exist, Allison Abrams.
Elliott: Well, Dan, I don't want to call you an ungrateful bastard, but I'm glad you took this time out to admonish our fans for not, for not rending their garments in sadness over your non-life-threatening-but-uncomfortable injury.
Stuart: Smearing ashes on their face...
Elliott: For not groveling in the dirt and walking on their knees to the local shrine to pray! To pray you get through this!
Dan: I'm gonna be going under the knife, Elliott — under the knife — in two weeks.
Elliott: You get to have a dead guy's zombie tendon in your knee. That's amazing!
Dan: True.
[...]
Elliott: So I want to thank... So I just want to say to all our listeners who have been with us for a number of years now, who go back and re-listen to episodes, stand up for us in the AV Club comments: thanks for... You should be ashamed of yourself! For not stopping your life to put yourself at the service of Dan's knee!
Dan: All right. Well, uh, on that note, uh...
Elliott: You, you are, you are the true monsters of history!
Stuart: How dare you!
Elliott: At long last, have you no shame?
Dan: I'd like to sign off...
Elliott: Have you no decency?
Stuart: For a second, I thought sweaty John Cusack was a monster!
Elliott: No. No. His murdering of two, possibly three, people
Dan: For The Flop House...
Elliott: pales with this! Pales for this refusal to acknowledge
Stuart: I thought the tearing of tons of alligator guts out of an alligator corpse was disgusting!
Dan: I have been Dan McCoy...
Elliott: No. No. But this snubbing of Dan's knee...
Stuart: I guess I'm Stuart Wellington...
Elliott: I'm, I'm too disgusted to say that I'm Elliott Kalan.
Dan: Good night, everyone.

StingerEdit

  • ­Now if only we could see Krang with boobs...
         —Dan @1:06:15

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