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Episode 5: Saw III

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TaglineEdit

"In this episode of The Flop House we discuss Saw III — a movie that delivers exactly what it promises: it is, in fact, the third Saw movie.
"And now, the special Halloween remix of The Flop House theme."

Special Halloween Remix of the Flophouse ThemeEdit

When I was working in my laboratory late one night
There were a bunch of werewolves there
And they were totally jamming
And there were also mummies
The werewolves and mummies were friends
And there were two draculas there
And an invisible man
(This is only funny to you, goddammit.)

What HappensEdit

Dan summarizes the movie from Wikipedia. We join the others in the Flophouse...
Stuart was really drunk and doesn't remember. But it might not be the podcast he was drunkest in. He has to go get a beer, so Simon has to be the one to pretend to be getting a text message from a large breasted woman.
Dan points out that there will be a shocking twist ending to the podcast. He didn't set the timer for the podcast. Simon's prediction is that the podcast doesn't even get posted to the internet. The mike wasn't even plugged in. Stuart's prediction is that it will get posted to the internet. He thought it was just one of Dan's weird vanity projects. Clearly they are through the mirror darkly. Or they are Opposite Days (?).
Everyone has a beer. Everyone has seen Saw 1 and 2.
Simon's not a Saw fan because they're not horror movies despite being filed in the horror section. That's just because most video stores don't like to have a snuff film section.
Dan loves torture, sex and violence (presaging his role as Pervazoid #1). But it has to be more than sound and fury signifying nothing. He also doesn't find the Saw mask scary in any way.
Stuart agrees. He doesn't like Saw movies. Rube Goldberg shit is kinda boring, despite being an admitted lover of Final Destination 2. Now he has to defend Final Destination 2: It's way stupider, more explosions, doesn't take itself seriously.
­Saw's got a point, though. Think about it: humanity kinda deserves to get their feet cut off.
     —a bunch of dickheads that saw the movie Se7en
Simon invents a trap called Hammer-Mouth aka Lots of Bombs in Your Mouth, which can't be used for Saw 5.
Would you rather have sex with a bunch of monsters or fistfight two aliens? If your dad was dying of terminal cancer and the only way to cure him was to fuck him in the ass, would you do it? Would You Rather got a lot of playtime. Stuart would have a hard time maintaining an erection. Dan is not hired to work on Simon's movie.
Michael Caine orders "all the bear traps" for Saw. (Dan has a really good Michael Caine impression. Simon puts his hands over his eyes and thinks Michael Caine is in the room, it's uncanny.)
"Daniel, you didn't realize when you started this movie that I would talk for fifteen minutes, there would be a quick snippet of somebody dying, then I will talk for twenty more minutes. I had this planned out from the beginning. It all started on October 21 when I took pictures of you and your little son on the playground. Then I decided to kill him." Nobody has a good Saw impression.
Simon points out nobody remembers or cares what was in Saw because it wasn't a memorable movie. He invents an analogy involving someone bouncing up and down while doing a handstand.
Stuart's problems with Saw 3 are as follows: 1, it was really boring. (Possibly 2: there was also a dude who was Robert the Bruce in Braveheart trying to get revenge on his son's killer that was tacked on. He didn't mention the rest of his problems in order.) Simon doesn't understand Robert the Bruce's motivation at all.
Flashbacks to things that happened one minute previously in the movie.
­There's only one more thing to do, Robert the Bruce.
     —Ted Levine from TV's Monk

Final JudgmentsEdit

Simon: The movie is horrible. However, if you're a douchebag that loves Saw, go see it.

Dan: Simon is right. By far the least favorite movie he's watched.

Stuart: He already doesn't remember the verdicts. He had some fun watching the movie, he was really drunk. Good bad movie.

Dan has noticed a trend: Simon is angry, Stuart is philosophical, Dan is analytical. But Saw III made Dan angry. Simon is full of poison and vinegar, he can't enjoy things and is full of hatred.

Suddenly there's centipedes in Saw's chest?

RecommendationsEdit

As Stupidtown recedes in their rear view mirror and they go to Liketown, here are some horror movie recommendations.

Stuart: Black Sheep. Not great or even really that good, but good gore effects and New Zealand countryside, at the end of the day about sheep that kill humans, it was terr-rible. He is doing a French accent because it's accent day.

Simon: Night of the Living Dead remake from the mid-90s directed by Tom Savini. He thinks the original Night of the Living Dead was retarded. Dan isn't allowed to jump in.

  • Black Sheep (2006) by Jonathan King (Stuart)
  • Night of the Living Dead (1990) by Tom Savini (Simon)
  • The Return of the Living Dead (1985) by Dan O'Bannon (Dan)

Twist EndingEdit

They're all werewolves!

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