Tag[]
- "On this episode we dicuss Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, starring Daniel Day-Lewis."
Movie Summary[]
Vampire Reviews Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter
Premise[]
- “What's dark? Slavery. What else is dark? Vampires. Put 'em together, it's super dark.”
—Dan @08:25
Story[]
- Proposed explanations for the source of Lincoln's superpowers: @11:35
- Made love to a gypsy who gave him the power.
- Stole a magic amulet off a mummy.
- Got a magical tattoo off a dying shaman.
- A voodoo priest slave put a spell on him to make him the defender and the champion of the black people of America.
- He's the long-lost descendant of Theseus.
- He received alien blood from a transfusion.
- Abin Sur crashed his ship into antebellum America and gave him a bunch of Green Lantern whatevers.
Episode Highlights[]
Tangents[]
- The Karate Kid @13:50
- The Taking of Pelham One Two Three @14:35
- Pervazoid #1 @17:15
Movie Pitches[]
- Midget Abraham Lincoln: Robo Vampire Killer with Rocket Boots in the 23rd Century
- Kung-fu fighting vampire hunter who ironically has the same name as the President, even though he's a terrible liar and quite short. But he has the beard and wears the stovepipe hat. He has to rediscover some ancient scrolls to learn kung fu. While wearing rocket boots. @39:50
- Bikini Ghetto Meets the Baseball Golem
- A real golem who plays modern-day baseball defends the Ghetto of Prague from evil developers who want to build condominiums. Mickey Rourke plays the golem. @57:25
Quotes[]
- “I'm usually just looking for your penis.”
—Elliott @01:05 - “I can't do that! That tree? With this blast shield down I can hardly see anything, let alone hit that tree!”
—Elliott @11:00 - “It's a very elaborate metaphor to explain to us why slavery is bad, which it seems like is the movie doing homework it doesn't need to do. You know what, movie? The vampire thing is a little hard to buy, but I'm ready to buy into slavery as a bad thing.”
—Elliott @18:55 - “Abe, we're going to be late for the theater! [...] We're seeing Our American Cousin at Ford's Theatre! You know, in the box! And John Wilkes Booth might stop by to put a bullet in your brain! And then you'll die! Okay, Abe? So hurry up!”
—Elliott @34:15 - Why Elliott cries at the end of The Iron Giant. @35:05
- “I love In the Mouth of Madness.”
—Elliott @51:05
Final Judgments[]
- Bad-Bad Movie (Elliott) @41:15
- Bad-Bad Movie (Dan) @41:20
- Bad-Bad Movie (Stuart) @41:45
Listener Mail[]
Letters[]
- "My Transatlantic Flight" from Jaral Lastnamewithheld @43:50
- "Some Quick Thoughts" from David "Elliot's Brother" Lastnamewithheld @53:45
Recommendations[]
- The Loved Ones (2009) by Sean Byrne (Stuart) @59:40
- One Hour with You (1932) by Ernst Lubitsch (Elliott) @1:01:50
- The Raid: Redemption (2011) by Gareth Evans (Dan) @59:40
- The Studio (book) by John Gregory Dunne (Elliott) @1:03:05