• Dan admits to having a criminal record, for having masturbated in a 7-Eleven® as a juvenile.
    Episode 84: Sucker Punch @28:15
  • ­When you masturbate to a scene from a movie, you stand up right by the TV. Because you want to feel that static electricity on your ball hairs... I'm gonna stop talking now.
         —Stuart, Episode 134: Upside Down @58:00
  • ­Now, if Demi Moore was stumbling through the forest and saw Gary Oldman and his penis had a little hat with a feather on it, she would have to run to that bathtub to masturbate, or else she's just doin' it in the woods right there.
         —Elliott, Episode 166: Pompeii @54:50
Stuart: Uh... Dan: which cenobite would you not want you to jack — jack you off?
Dan: Would I not mind jacking off?
Stuart: No, if you... wait a minute.
Elliott: No no no.
Stuart: Wait a minute.
Elliott: No. No. What?
Stuart: We have to talk about — wait, do we have to jack off a cenobite now?
Elliott: Dan, you totally misunderstood who was doing the jacking of who.
Stuart: Although...
Elliott: This is a better question.
Stuart: He has a really good point.
Elliott: So, Dan: answer the question.
Episode 166: Pompeii @1:05:45

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