Dan admits to having a criminal record, for having masturbated in a 7-Eleven® as a juvenile. Episode 84: Sucker Punch @28:15
“When you masturbate to a scene from a movie, you stand up right by the TV. Because you want to feel that static electricity on your ball hairs... I'm gonna stop talking now.” —Stuart, Episode 134: Upside Down @58:00
“Now, if Demi Moore was stumbling through the forest and saw Gary Oldman and his penis had a little hat with a feather on it, she would have to run to that bathtub to masturbate, or else she's just doin' it in the woods right there.” —Elliott, Episode 166: Pompeii @54:50
Uh... Dan: which cenobite would you not want you to jack — jack you off?
Would I not mind jacking off?
No, if you... wait a minute.
No no no.
Wait a minute.
No. No. What?
We have to talk about — wait, do we have to jack off a cenobite now?
Dan, you totally misunderstood who was doing the jacking of who.